"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."
- Woody Allen
"Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"
Oliver (Oliver Hardy): Why didn't you tell me it was you?
Stan (Stan Laurel): It was so dark, I didn't think you would hear me.
Movie acting suits me because I only need to be good for ninety seconds at a time.
- Bill Murray
Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine.
- Whoopi Goldberg
Kinuko Y. Craft
"I can see he's not in your good books,' said the messenger. 'No, and if he were I would burn my library."
- William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing
"Flowers are the fastest way to a woman's heart. Well, actually, the fastest way is through her rib cage, but flowers are a lot less messy."
- Eddie Murphy
"I'm really really not hungry so I guess just order me a short stack of pancakes and some turkey bacon, but I guess if they don't have turkey bacon get me regular bacon. And a milkshake."
- Hannah (Lena Dunham), Girls
"Look, let me explain something to you. I'm not Mr. Lebowski. You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. That, or His Dudeness â€¦ Duder â€¦ or El Duderino, if, you know, you're not into the whole brevity thing."
- The Dude, The Big Lebowski
Punch and Judy, 1662-
"My life is just a series of embarrassing incidents strung together by telling people about those embarrassing incidents."
- Russell Brand
"I donâ€™t stop eating when Iâ€™m full. The meal isnâ€™t over when Iâ€™m full. Itâ€™s over when I hate myself."
- Louis C.K.
"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."
- Erma Bombeck
"My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. "
- Walter Mathau
"Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'"
- Conan O' Brien
"A day without laughter is a day wasted. "
- Charlie Chaplin
"I pretty much operate on adrenaline and ignorance."
- Johnny Knoxville
"Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special."